Tuesday morning

Apparently, some mechanism in my emotional make-up has determined that the first morning of the work week must be a time for abject reflection, weepiness, and general misery. Hooray! I had to buy a packet of Kleenex as soon as I arrived on campus, for fear the waterworks would burst.

I have, therefore, determined that getting workspaces together is going to be my highest priority for the next week. Maybe if I don't give myself so much down-time, I won't have so much time for thinking about myself, and the work-week re-entry won't be so bad. Not to mention that getting my own work done (as opposed to the work I have to do for money) is the only way I'm going to get myself out of this stage in my life. And I have deadlines to meet, which I can't miss for fear of disappointing New Advisor and, more importantly, slipping further into a depression.

I need to believe that I'm at least capable and competent, if nothing else.

Today is the first day of my library archiving job. I really should be looking forward to it more: it may actually provide me with a way to write something publishable that will redeem my year in Ireland professionally. Maybe I'll be more enthusiastic once I get started. For now, I'm just wishing I had more caffeine.

UPDATE: The orientation session for the archiving work went well--my supervisor seems like a truly lovely person, and I found myself telling the head of the department that I was excited about the project and meaning it. So parts of me haven't sunk entirely into ennui and despair yet.

And everything was so neat and clean and organized back there! The very anal-retentive aspect of my personality is almost ludicrously happy at the prospect of being paid to organize and sort things in an environment dedicated to organizing and sorting. Perhaps there are reasons why I find ant colonies so appealing, pace T.H. White. (I'm reading The Once and Future King for the first time, and I have to say I think his characterization of our myrmidonian friends is a bit unfair, even if they did provide him with a handy analogy for fascism.)

I've designated the rest of the afternoon to going through the huge pile of papers that has been designated my "to-do" pile for well over a month. It had better get done today: this is the last open day on my calendar until the end of the summer. Wish me luck! If I'm very good, I may let myself respond to the two meme invitations I've gotten recently.