Memorial Days
Ah. The weekend.
A holiday weekend.
I believe what I am supposed to do is something along the line of "welcome it with open arms," particularly given how hard I've been driving myself this past week. But no. Not when being alone feels like a precis of the next 40 (or whatever) years, instead of just being alone.
My students have been very needy this week (there's a paper due on the 1st), and I have been very giving, because I am needy, too. I need to feel, nearly every moment, as though I'm connected to other people, that I make a difference in their lives. So that I don't have to think about how Stan and I have disconnected and about how I feel so certain that I'll never be held by a man who loves me again. So I had office hours every single day this week.
There are no office hours to be had this weekend: the kids have all gone off home to their families. Many of my friends have plans to get out of town. And I have lots of things to do, but it's all very lonely work.
This is where my brilliant plan of just getting up right away, going to campus, scheduling loads of meetings with everyone I can think of, and immersing myself in whatever else is on offer falls down. Now I'm on my own. Thank God for Movie Night, which at least forestalled this a little bit, and which I look forward to distracting me once a week for the rest of the summer. Though, to be honest, watching movies isn't very nice: too much alone time in the old noggin, and movies always seem to feature at least one couple in love. Still, the conversation before--and especially after--helped.
Those of you who live within a 25-mile radius should probably expect to hear my voice on your phone line and/or answering machine soon.
A holiday weekend.
I believe what I am supposed to do is something along the line of "welcome it with open arms," particularly given how hard I've been driving myself this past week. But no. Not when being alone feels like a precis of the next 40 (or whatever) years, instead of just being alone.
My students have been very needy this week (there's a paper due on the 1st), and I have been very giving, because I am needy, too. I need to feel, nearly every moment, as though I'm connected to other people, that I make a difference in their lives. So that I don't have to think about how Stan and I have disconnected and about how I feel so certain that I'll never be held by a man who loves me again. So I had office hours every single day this week.
There are no office hours to be had this weekend: the kids have all gone off home to their families. Many of my friends have plans to get out of town. And I have lots of things to do, but it's all very lonely work.
This is where my brilliant plan of just getting up right away, going to campus, scheduling loads of meetings with everyone I can think of, and immersing myself in whatever else is on offer falls down. Now I'm on my own. Thank God for Movie Night, which at least forestalled this a little bit, and which I look forward to distracting me once a week for the rest of the summer. Though, to be honest, watching movies isn't very nice: too much alone time in the old noggin, and movies always seem to feature at least one couple in love. Still, the conversation before--and especially after--helped.
Those of you who live within a 25-mile radius should probably expect to hear my voice on your phone line and/or answering machine soon.
posted by Ancrene Wiseass | 8:35 AM
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